“Why aren’t you married yet?”

“You must be happy because you’ve gained weight!”

Questions or comments that are normal in a given culture can still feel intrusive or shame-inducing, even if not intended that way. Despite being the season to be merry and jolly, the holidays can come with a lot of pressure and stress when spending it with loved ones.

When balancing your own needs with family expectations during this season, one helpful strategy is to acknowledge the intent behind the question while maintaining the boundaries you’ve set.

How can you do this?

So, we reached out to Tala Thrive advisor, Dr Norman Kim, PhD at Columbia University Department of Psychiatry, to give us practical culturally competent tips for surviving the holiday season with family and friends

For so many of us from non-western cultures but who might have grown up or currently live in a western context, we often find ourselves straddling multiple worlds and their differing expectations and social norms. 

Especially if your family is from what is referred to as a collectivistic culture, a culture where one values the needs of the group (such as family, ancestors, community, society at large) over the needs of the individual, the holidays can be very challenging to navigate. 

If you get one of the questions below or find yourself in a similar situation, here are ways you can respond, according to Dr. Kim.

“My parents keep asking when I’m getting married and/or having children. What should I tell them?”

This is such a common question that I’m sure so many of us have heard at some point (or many points!) in our lives. Even if your immediate response is to bristle at what can feel like an overly intrusive question, or be understandably upset at a question that presumes that you SHOULD wish to marry or have children, there might still be a way to respect where the question is coming from and still stand your ground as the person who will ultimately make that decision for yourself.

Something like “I know this is important to you, and I appreciate that you care about my future and wellbeing. Right now, I’m focusing on my career/finding the right person/my own growth and happiness/etc., and I hope that you can respect that these are decisions that I want to decide for myself when the time is right for me and that I’m ready for such important decisions.” 

This approach shows respect for their concerns while maintaining your autonomy.

If the question is reflective of a specific cultural expectation, you might wish to acknowledge that while still sticking to your decisions with something like “I understand that in our culture, marriage and children are important milestones. I’m still figuring out the right time and path for me, and I hope you can support me in that.”

These responses reflect trying to find a balance between respecting your parents’ or family’s perspective and acknowledging that, and also asserting your autonomy and the importance of your own desires.

“My auntie says I must be happy because I’ve gained so much weight. How should I respond?”

This is another example of an unfortunately common kind of comment that might be innocuous or normal in a particular cultural context, but that too many of us can feel rude or critical because of our modern culture’s stigma around weight and the connotations that are put on it.

You might choose a direct but respectful approach like: “I know you mean well, but I’d prefer to focus on other things, if that’s ok with you. How about we talk about x instead?” 

Here you are giving them the benefit of the doubt in their intention with the question or comment but also being clear in holding your boundary of not wishing to discuss weight.

If that feels too confrontational or uncomfortably direct to you, you might approach it with something like “Yes, actually I have been focusing on taking care of myself in lots of different ways and do feel more fulfilled and happy as a result. I don’t find it very interesting to talk about things like weight, but I would love to share what things are making my life better.” 

This shifts the focus and subtly challenges the underlying assumption.

Both kinds of response can allow you to respond in a way that preserves your comfort while maintaining respect for the relationship.

“My sister just blurted out my exciting news at the dinner table before I had a chance to do so myself. How should I respond?”

This kind of transgression can be very upsetting especially if this is part of a recurring pattern with the particular family member in question. In general it might be best to address it privately with your sister (or whomever) to allow for a more candid, vulnerable, and honest conversation. 

You might lead with something like: “I know you were excited for me, but I was really looking forward to sharing that news myself. Next time, could you please let me have that moment?” 

This approach recognizes the other person’s enthusiasm and well-meaning excitement while still making your disappointment clear in a way that will hopefully maintain or even strengthen your relationship. In many cultures even individual achievements are looked at as family achievements and can result in that collective excitement robbing you of an important moment you wish to have. 

Finding a way to be clear about your desire and disappointment in the situation without eliciting defensiveness on the part of the other person by attacking or being accusatory can often result in greater clarity.

Another way one might address it more in the moment would be something like: “I was really looking forward to sharing that myself, but I’m glad everyone knows now. Let me tell you more about it!” 

This still acknowledges your desire to have been the one to share the news, but ultimately allows you to bring the focus back on yourself in a positive way.

“I don’t want to spend the holidays with my family but feel guilty about hurting their feelings. What should I do?”

I’m sure we’ve all been in this situation as well, and it can be terribly guilt inducing. First is to recognize and appreciate that you can love and appreciate your family deeply, but at the same time still feel like you need or want to spend your holiday doing something different as a way to take care of yourself and honor your own desires and needs. We would hope that our families understand that this does not reflect our feelings about them, but understand that it’s of course okay to prioritize your needs and desires.

When it comes to the direct conversation with your family, you might frame it with an alternative time to get together, like: “I can’t make it for the holidays this time, but I’d love to plan something special with everyone soon. Maybe we can celebrate in a way that works for all of us.” 

This shows that you value the relationship and spending time with them and want to stay connected, even if not during the holiday.

An example of a more direct response might be: “The holidays are a busy time, and I need to focus on my own well-being this year. I hope you’ll understand this isn’t about not loving my family, but about making space for myself right now. I will look forward to when we can find time to spend together soon.” Or, “I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately, and I think taking this holiday for myself will help me come back refreshed and even more present in the future.”

This balances vulnerability about where you might be emotionally with holding a clear boundary. By being honest and being clear about the importance of honoring your own needs and desires, while also being empathetic and acknowledging from where these questions are coming from your family or others, you can navigate these situations in ways that respect both your needs and your family’s feelings.

Happy Holidays!

Need more support?

At Tala Thrive, we support you by matching and connecting you with culturally competent therapists and coaches who understand your culture, language and/or religion. Professionals who fully understand the conflicting emotions you might be feeling during this time of the year, and above all, who will acknowledge those emotions too.

So be sure to sign up at Tala Thrive to join our community and get the support you need as you prepare to meet family around this festive season!

Remember, we want you to thrive - mentally, physically, and emotionally - so you can start living the life you truly deserve. 

By Lola Akinmade